can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
