You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
