so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize