i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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