she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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