My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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