i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
