fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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