She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
