it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
