he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize