He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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