I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize