new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
