It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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