You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
