That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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