i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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