If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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