Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
