booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My bed smells like the plague
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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