On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
