I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She even gives head with a lisp.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
