Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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