I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize