He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
