you traded sex for a burrito?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
