im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
