They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
