I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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