i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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