We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Can you bring me the toilet please
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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