Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
