I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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