I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
