I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
