Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
