I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize