Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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