Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize