ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just cut my nipple shaving
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
