Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
