Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
