help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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