your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
