OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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