So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
40s are totally the cure
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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