Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
