I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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