did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
