I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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