just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
