hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
