The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
