I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
