i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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