Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Where did you get a picture of my penis
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
