I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
