I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
