I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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