i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
