i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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