This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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