just tell him i said nine months
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
