If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize