So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
